I have a brother. Some of you may know what. Still others may know that and yet be shocked to learn that is still the case. He is a bit of a loner, my baby brother, and would have much preferred to be an only child. In theory, I am the extrovert and he is the introvert. Mom says that made life in our house interesting when we were growing up. She used a different adjective, actually, but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about my mom. She is a saint.
So I understand the mysterious often love/hate relationships that can exist among siblings. But having one on the spectrum adds a whole new twist to the situation. I am hoping some parents (or siblings) can offer some comment on this. It is just about wholly consuming for me to figure out how to facilitate a relationship between my son and my daughter.
Ok, my son is only 2. But he is the Extrovert. With a super capital E. And he talks and talks and wants to do everything with his big sister. He is crushed when she brushes him off, or, even worse, hysterical when she launches a toy at his head. I am assuming that as he gets older he will gain an understanding of his sister and her quirks, limitations, and gifts. But at the moment it is just so unhappy for both of them much of the time (not to mention miserable for me). They mix like the proverbial oil and water.
She wants, she NEEDS, space and downtime and quiet. He doesn't want or need any of these things. I have thought of finding a school or playgroup for him to attend once she gets home from school so she can have that time. Transitions are tough for her and it makes a huge difference if she can just be on her own for an hour. He is so happy to see her after she has been gone all day he talks at a mile a minute. She walks around with her hands over her ears.
It is pretty clear I don't have a lot of control over these kids and their needs/reactions, but dear God, there must be something I can do!! It makes for a very stressful rest of the day and by the time my husband comes home I just want to hide. Separating them all day even more than they are now seems unnatural somehow. But I really think that will bring more peace to everyone until Daniel is older and can be the one to compromise a little whereas his sister can't. And in school he will get the attention he craves from her from other, social little beings like himself. Are these good reasons to give them more time apart? Am I crazy? (don't comment on the second question. That means you, Romany :) )
That book I just finished, More than a Mom, has a great section on siblings. It talks about how to approach each type of child and more than anything makes it ok to not expect everyone to get along. The section started out with something like "The sibling of a special needs child is automatically a special needs child him/herself. Having a special sibling makes the "typical" child un-typical.
Guess that makes us special needs parents. What are your special needs?
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I think the playgroup for Daniel sounds like a great idea. Eventually, he's going to be a very compassionate, aware little boy/grown man, because of his relationship with his sister. Hey, I separate M & I ALL the time---ALL.THE.TIME. I remember, very distinctly, my mother doing the same to K & I--"to your corners!" is a statement I remember, oft-repeated.
ReplyDeleteJust wondering if it might help to have some sort of semi-structured activity for them to do together once she gets home? Like if she could maybe tolerate "ring around the rosie" or "london bridges" or something? That way, he could get a little bit of interaction with her, and she might participate because the activity is structured enough to be understandable?
ReplyDeleteJust my two bits. BTW, I'm recommending a book to a lot of people lately: "Lost at School" by Ross Greene. Good stuff.